just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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