What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
