i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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