My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
