I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
