The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
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The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
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apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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