i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
