I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
