Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
