I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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