I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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