There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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