Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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