Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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