I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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