I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
