Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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