youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
