why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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