4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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