I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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