I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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