MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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