You smell like stripper and shame
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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