My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
