Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
