Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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