You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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