I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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