So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
