he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
