exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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