By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
