just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
third nipple confirmed
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
