Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
