Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i barfeds in our rink
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
