That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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