my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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