My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Your cock deserves a montage
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
