I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
