So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
