The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
