I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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