Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
