Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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