and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
