well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
