I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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