I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
