I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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