I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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