I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
