I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
