i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
