so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
