So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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