I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
