listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
