I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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