Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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