pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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