and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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