apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
