It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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