I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
